Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (Internet Version) (Updated)

First date published: September, 1987

I have decided to update this with more modern references.

I was watching Star Trek II again last night when suddenly I had this vision of what would happen if instead of a duel between starships, it was computer systems. What resulted is this:

Kirk: What is the meaning of this Denial of Service attack?
Khan: Surely I have made my meaning clear. I mean to avenge myself
upon you, Admiral. I deprived your system of routing table entries
and when I swing around I mean to deprive you of your life.
But I wanted you to know who it was who had beaten you.
Kirk: Khan, if it's me you want, I'll have myself scp'ed over. Spare
my crew.
Khan: I make you a counter-proposal. I'll agree to your terms, if ...
if in addition to yourself you hand over to me all data and
materials regarding the project called Firefox.
Kirk: Firefox? What's that?
Khan: Don't insult my intelligence, Kirk.
Kirk: Give me some time to recall the data from our archives.
Khan: I give you sixty seconds.
Kirk: Clear the bridge.
Spock: At least we know he doesn't have a release candidate.
Kirk: Keep nodding as though I'm still giving orders. Mr. Saavik,
punch up the data charts of Reliant's port map.
Saavik: Reliant's port m...
Kirk: Hurry.
Khan: Forty-five seconds Admiral.
Spock: The open port?
Kirk: It's all we've got.
Saavik: File's up, sir.
Khan: Admiral.
Kirk: We're finding it.
Khan: Admiral.
Kirk: Please. Please you've got to give us time. The machine room is
smashed, the editors inoperable.
Khan: Time is a luxury you don't have, Admiral.
Kirk: Damn.
Khan: Admiral?
Kirk: It's coming through now, Khan.
Spock: Reliant's open port is 16309.
Saavik: I don't understand.
Kirk: You have to learn why things work on a UNIX system.
Spock: Each system has its own hidden back door open port.
Kirk: To prevent an enemy from doing what we're attempting. We're
using our console to order Reliant to give us a login session.
Spock: Assuming he hasn't changed his firewall. He's quite
Khan: Fifteen seconds, Admiral.
Kirk: Khan, how do we know you'll keep your word?
Khan: Oh, I've given you no word to keep, Admiral. In my judgement,
you simply have no alternative.
Kirk: I see your point. Stand by to receive our Instant Message. Mr.
Sulu, lock an Internet connection on target and await my order
to login.
Sulu: Connection pending.
Khan: Time's up, Admiral.
Kirk: Here it comes. Now, Mr. Spock.
Spock: % ssh -p 16309 reliant.starship.starfleet.ufp
Connected to reliant.
Escape character is '~'.

M-6 Duotronic
U.S.S. Reliant, NCC-1864

Joachim: Sir, the Enterprise is logging on.
Khan: Kill their session.
Joachim: I can't!
Khan: Where's the chroot call? The chroot call!
Kirk: Fire.
Sulu: % su
Kirk: Fire!
Sulu: # rm -rf /
Khan: Reboot, reboot!
Joachim: We can't reboot!
Khan: Why can't you!?
Joachim: They've corrupted the file system and the /etc directory! Sir,
we must power-cycle.
Khan: No!
Joachim: Sir, we must!

And the rest is (ahem) history.

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License and is Copyright © 2006 Jeff Okamoto.