Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche

Copyright © 2019 by Jeff Okamoto

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

This document follows the pattern set by Real Men Don't Play Role-Playing Games. It posits that programmers can be grouped into four categories, It then lists the preferences for each category for various concepts.

Real Programmers are the type that hack all night and hack all day.
Grognards are the type that have been in computing before the Internet.
Loonies are the type that make cricket balls out of duct tape and play Twenty20 in the machine room.
N00bs need no explanation.

Favorite Programming Language
Real Programmers program in Java
Grognards program in Python
Loonies program in Assembly
N00bs program in whatever Google uses

Favorite IDE
Real Programmers use Eclipse
Grognards use Emacs
Loonies use Notepad
N00bs use whatever Google uses

Favorite Distraction 
Real Programmers play foosball 
Grognards write Interactive Fiction 
Loonies read books
N00b read Facebook

Favorite Great Old One
Real Programmers dig Cthulhu 
Grognards dig Yog-Sothoth 
Loonies dig Dick Clark
N00bs dig Mark Zuckerberg

Favorite Data Security Method
Real Programmers use DSA-4096
Grognards use One-Time Pads
Loonie use rot26 
N00bs use a shared password 

Favorite Hash
Real Programmers like SHA-3
Grognards like CRC-64
Loonies like corned beef hash
N00bs are vegans

Favorite Operating System
Real Programmers prefer Mac OS
Grognards prefer Linux
Loonies prefer CP/M
N00bs prefer Windows

Favorite Change Management
Real Programmers use Git
Grognards use SCCS/RCS
Loonies use a coin purse
N00bs rely on automatic numbering of all their "Untitled" files.

Favorite Design Pattern
Real Programmers build Factories
Grognards chain Iterators
Loonies knit paisley
N00bs copy/paste Singleton Composite Proxy Flyweight Observer Facades

Favorite SQL
Real Programmers like MySQL
Grognards like PostgreSQL
Loonies like Superman III
N00bs like NoSQL

Favorite Way to Retrieve Information
Real Programmers use a search engine
Grognards use Gopher
Loonies use Sneakernet
N00bs search on Stack Overflow

Favorite Image Format
Real Programmers like PNG
Grognards like TIFF
Loonies like centerfolds
N00bs don't know what those are

Favorite Shell
Real Programmers use bash
Grognards use tcsh
Loonies wear puka shells
N00bs use Windows Explorer

Favorite Classic Magazine
Real Programmers read BYTE
Grognards read Dr. Dobbs Journal of Computer Calisthenics & Orthodontia
Loonies read MAD
N00bs don't know what a magazine is

Favorite Convention
Real Programmers attend Java One
Grognards remember the West Coast Computer Faire
Loonies attend the Renaissance Faire
N00bs attend Gencon

Favorite AI
Real Programmers like HAL-9000
Grognards like Colossus
Loonies like ELIZA
N00bs like Alexa

Favorite Text Processor
Real Programmers like XSLT
Grognards like Perl
Loonies like Markov Chains
N00bs like Find/Replace...

Favorite Email Client
Real Programmers use Mutt
Grognards use MH
Loonies use the US Post Office
N00bs use GMail

Favorite Classic Web Techology
Real Programmers remember jQuery
Grognards remember RSS feeds
Loonies remember the <blink> tag
N00bs still use Adobe FLash

Favorite Chat/Messaging Technology
Real Programmers use Slack
Grognards use IRC
Loonies use the personals section of their local newspaper
N00bs use Facebook Messenger

Favorite Denugging Method
Real Programmers use assertions
Grognards use watch expressions
Loonies test in prod
N00bs consult Stack Overflow